さん がつ March and the Madness of the Past

Konnichi-wa! March is here and with it the anniversary of things to consider. On Friday, I will turn 42. I am still out of work after two years and not out of financial trouble. I continue to train in the Samurai Arts and partake in both Buddhist and Shinto ceremonies. I have yet to have any of my screen plays published or made into films and my current novel is still in the works. Under the Buddhist and Shinto Calendars, this is still a critical year for those of us born in 1968. I have now been writing for over a year with four books partially written and a score of screen plays. As the letters from lawyers come in from accounts I have defaulted as a result of my two year unemployment, I have to examine if there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I was here a year ago but unlike then my sense of purpose has changed. I have decided to no longer pursue work in the Information Technology field. After two years of rejection and my hunger to return to the film industry has returned, for me to do anything else would be baka. There is nothing certain about this move but it will allow me to continue to write until I can become published and inevitably a full fledged producer of Japanese –American films. American Mishima will rise and with it will come the means for me to get to Japan. So as some would argue come this Friday my two years of crisis will come to an end and perhaps with some small movie work I will be able to pay some of my creditors and move forward. All one can do is try and never lose hope.

It was a year ago on my birthday that I tried to end my life and as a result was thrown in prison for an unrelated crime I did not commit. Much has changed in this last year. In that time I became inspired by my meeting with Dexter & Six Feet Under star Michael C. Hall who in our conversation encouraged me to go for my dreams. To do so otherwise would be the death of the soul. What he said carried weight with me. In the darkest of places I prayed and offered my apologies to the Kami who I had offended and the Buddha’s mercy. They answered my prayers and relased me from bondage of despair. Since that time they have brought me full circle. My problems will not be solved over night nor will my books be completed in time to save me from being sued. I must continue with Samurai determination and not fail those who still believe in me. I have something to live for now. Which brings me to my favorite Babylon 5 quote from the fictional Book of G’Quan: “There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul who has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers or principalities. It is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of the flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We only know it is born in pain.”